Tag: Growing Up

That Time I Tried to Cuss

“I don’t give a damn shit!” I blurted out.  I had done it!  I finally said a curse word…out loud! I know, I know.  I wasn’t pairing the words up correctly, but oh this felt good!

Today, while the Huz-band and I were out for lunch, we heard a young guy, possibly around 18 or 19, use the F word (Fucking) around his mother to describe how great a friend of his was.  We both looked at each other like, “Did he just say that in front of his mom”?  We would have never thought to say anything like that in front of our parents and we’re much older than he is.

This led me to thinking about curse words.  I didn’t grow up with profanity being used in my home.  My parents didn’t use them so the only time I would hear a “bad word” was every now and again on television, whenever I wasn’t watching cartoons, or by the “bad” kids at school.  I remember a time in 5th grade when my classmates decided to start using curse words.  This was a big deal.  The words would be used in the privacy of our peers of course, and during recess.  Pretty much anytime an adult’s ear wasn’t around lurking.

I can remember really trying to decide if I should or shouldn’t participate in this.  Since I grew up in a Christian home, my parents really did their best with trying to instill in me to only do things that would be pleasing to the Lord. That meant that cursing was not an option.  My friends knew that I was a “church girl”, but the peer pressure was still on.

One day a teacher changed their mind on allowing me and a few classmates to do something.  I don’t remember what it was, but the teacher had said we could do something, then they changed their mind and said we couldn’t.  We were all upset, and my friends started cussing away, as best as any fifth graders could do.  I too was very upset, mumbling, and complaining, but I never cursed.

Then my friend Julia said, “Come on, curse.  You know you want to.  It’ll feel good”.

This was 5th grade temptation at its finest.

My response was, “I don’t know how.”

Julia continued with, “Girl, just say whatever you want.  It doesn’t matter.  Just get it out!”

I remained quiet as I thought about Julia’s words.  “Should I give in?” I thought to myself.

“I don’t give a damn shit!” I blurted out.  I had done it!  I finally said a curse word…out loud!  “She gets on my mother-damn nerves!” I added.

I know, I know.  I wasn’t pairing the words up correctly, but oh this felt good!  “That stupid shit woman always messing everything up!” I added.  Yes, I am aware I needed practice and my current students could have cursed circles around me.

Remember, I told ya’ll I wasn’t around people that cursed.  I mostly watched cartoons, so I was doing my best!  I was saying the only words I felt comfortable saying.  I had no idea how to say them so they’d make since, but the point was I had cussed.  Miss Goody-two-shoes had done it!

Julia put her arms around my shoulders and said, “Okay. That’s enough!  Don’t you feel better?”

It did feel good to get the frustration out, but I didn’t feel better.  I felt bad.  I felt horrible.  I quietly asked God to forgive me because I knew I hadn’t made Him proud.  I had done something that wasn’t me.  Something that made me appear to be just like everyone else all so that I could fit in.  This was the last day I used that type of language at school.  Even to this day when Satan’s little minions are working my nerves, I never release the harmonious phrases that swirl in my mind.  Nay will I utter such vile expressions towards the young inhabitants I edify.  Nay I say, Nay!  Although tempting, because they hear these epithets at home and sneakily use them in the hallways, I dare not do the same…I pray.

On a more serious note, the older I get the more I realize why I hear people of the church use profanity.  It’s not because they don’t love God and are not striving to live a life pleasing to him, it’s possibly just because sometimes…a little more vocabulary is needed to express one’s frustrations or even joy.  Sometimes the only way to reach someone is to speak to them in a way they truly understand.  I know there are many places in the world where words considered as curse words, are no big deal whether you go to church or not.  It’s just a part of their daily speaking like saying Hello, Bye, or Leave me alone.

Cursing, I believe, can be an art form.  Some people are truly talented in this area.  They know exactly how to place those words, exactly where they need to go.  Whether to make a story comical or just to be used in general speaking.  To this day I admit that I am not a true participator in the art of cursing and I do make an effort to not use them, but who knows what the future may hold, so don’t try me.  I’m grown now and I have a better grasp on how to put them words together.

Even still, I could never use profanity in front of a parent like that young guy I spoke of earlier did, no matter how grown I am.  These lips would be rattling on the floor.  Could you and would you be able to get away with it?

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A Divine Perspective 15: Looking Back

I recently saw a picture of myself that opened the flood gates of those once upon a time memories. Thankfully at the time I saw this picture, I had someone there with me that I could express all of those feelings and emotions on to.

A Divine Perspective 15: Looking Back

Looking back on life I realized there were many instances I experienced that still have the power to bring a tear to my eye. Who am I kidding, they bring many tears. I’m a very emotional person so many things can cause me to shed a few or hundred tears. Because of this I try not to dwell on those things thus adding to my wall of forget me nots because I can not forget them. This wall helps to block their view, but the issues, the situations, the emotions are still there.

I recently saw a picture of myself that opened the flood gates of those once upon a time memories. This picture removed a few bricks from my wall. I remembered how I felt alone during this time in my life. How my self esteem was underneath the scum of any near by lake. How wounds from divorce were still sore. How, as young as I was, I was attempting to be strong and brave although I was hurting and needed to cry out.

Thankfully at the time I saw this picture, I had someone there with me that I could express all of those feelings and emotions on to. I could let some of the hurt out. This person didn’t try to help me see how it has gotten better over time, nor did they try to say “Well look what God has done in spite of what you’ve been through”. They just listened and allowed me to be that young 13/14 year old girl and cry some of those frustrations out that I thought I had to keep behind the wall even then. I didn’t need a counselor, I just needed an ear. A physical person that I could see at the moment and be vulnerable to. I didn’t need encouragement or a voice telling me to be thankful for where I am now. I just needed someone to be there and to listen.

#lookinbackovermylifeithinkisheddedsometears

#backdownmemorylane

#achildshouldntalwayshavetobebrave

#godisstillgood

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Year of Me: Write the Vision…

Words have Power. Speak positively over your life. How will you use your words?

Year of Me: Write the Vision…

I have many things I want to accomplish, and even though Aaliyah said, “Age Ain’t Nuthin but a Number”, I feel like my time is getting away from me.  No, I don’t feel as if death is knocking at my door or even walking in my direction, praise God, but there is a lot that I want to do and I feel like I’m gettin’ too old and won’t be able to do everything. I’ve been complacent for far too long.  Each new year I find myself in the same place of wanting a change and wanting to do me, yet I am doing nothing to make that happen.  I have allowed not only myself, but also people to halt my progress to achieve what I want out of life.  Fears have stopped me.

The Fear of the words from others are included.  Whether it’s from family or Facebook “friends”.  As much as I strive to not care for the thoughts of others, this outlook can still be challenging.  Maybe it’s because I am truly not confident in myself, so having someone else speak out what I am trying to suppress, stirs up the doubt.  WHOAAAAA!!!!!!! Why didn’t I study Psychology???? Dang it!!!  I know that was some looking inside your insides to discover who you is kinda stuff (yes, I meant to say, “Who you is”).

In this year of me, I have decided that I am going to write the vision and make it plain (Habakukk 2:2).  I hear about people creating vision boards.  I’ve always thought they were artistic and unique, but I’ve never completed or attempted to create one.  I never made a vision board, but I used words to write what I wanted.  I did this to “plan out my life” and to list the characteristics I wanted in a husband.  I was consistent in the latter and that most definitely worked in my favor.  I have THE BEST HUZ-BAND!!!  If my consistence worked for my Husband, why not use this for my other dreams and goals.

A personal word wall?  Displaying words that encourage me to believe in my dreams can be helpful.  Not only am I “writing” the vision, but also calling my dreams and goals into existence.  It’s the “calling those things that be not as though they were” and “speaking life into my situation”.  All of this are principles found in the Bible.  *(Isaiah 55:11; Matthew 4:4; Mark 11:23)*  Meditating on these positive and focused words can help me with being successful in my ambitions.  I have the ability to speak life into my well being and these desires that I believe God has given me.  Words have Power.  How will you use yours?

For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.-1 Peter 3:10

Previous Post: Year of Me

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I Miss the 90’s & A Different World

I Miss the 90s is a new series that I am starting to talk about what I miss from growing up in the 1990s. Do you miss A Different World?

In the 1990’s, there were a ton of sitcoms and movies starring African Americans.  They were given different roles that depicted the diverse backgrounds of all black people.  As a little black girl growing up in this time, this was exciting.  I was able to see people that looked like me living their fictional life on a television show and not just as a sad looking case on the Evening News or Cops.

Black people weren’t only given the roles of the house maid or the drug dealer.  We were doctors, lawyers, beauticians, teachers, and stock brokers.  We were shown to be business women that still had a life outside of work.  We were students trying to have a voice in America and trying to make a difference in the world.

A Different World, was a spin-off of the classic Cosby Show.  It featured the fictional college of Hillman.  Seeing all of those young, hip, black students, thrilled me and I too wanted to attend.  I didn’t know it was made up; I just wanted to experience that type of college life one day.  A Different World was a show that was ahead of its time. It showcased the many ups and downs that come with being a college student.  What made it even more special was that the characters were brown like me.  Black like me, whatever; they were African American like me.  These students were trying to navigate  through the rocky and sometimes unstable waters of friendship and on time graduation.  They were finding love and learning about who they were and wanted to be.  Has there ever been a successful television show that displayed young adults in college?  Not interns, but as actual students.

After Season 1, the show changed it’s focus from Lisa Bonet’s character, Denise Huxtable, to the spoiled, southern, and sheltered Whitley Gilbert (Jasmine Guy) and the determined, and sometimes uncertain, flip-up glasses wearing Dwayne Wayne (Kadeem Hardison).  Their journey of love brought more humor to an already hilarious show.  Sprinkled throughout the story lines of Whitley and Dwayne, were issues affecting black people in the world at the time like  HIV/AIDS, the injustice of Apartheid in South Africa, Interracial Dating, racial profiling, and the moral decision to continue to be financially supported by companies or organizations that don’t support YOU.  These were issues discussed in the early 90’s, but what’s changed?

With the direction of Debbie Allen, this show helped to make its black viewers even more proud to be black.  For the non-black viewers it taught many lessons on the rights and privileges that are not always easily given, based on the brownness of ones’ skin but with a youthful and mature perspective.   A Different World helped to celebrate the African American’s place in this country by showing that our history didn’t start with slavery and “the struggle”.  That we will continue to make our mark in this country and around the world.  Because of this show, many people were introduced to the dancing style of Alvin Ailey, to the beautifully talented acting chops of Diahann Carroll*, and the power of Step and camaraderie within the African American Fraternities/Sororities.

A Different World was a show before its time.  A realistic story on the plights of the educated African American.  Before the days of social media and internet stardom, young people wanted to achieve the American Dream by going to college and allowing education to “take them places”.  I desired to attend college because of A Different World. Hey TV Writers, please bring back the trend of television shows that inspired young people to dream of being successful with their brain and hard-work. Not just from going viral.

Then and Now
Now along with Debbie Allen and Lisa Bonet
Diahann Carroll
Diahann Carroll as “Julia”
Diahann Carroll as Whitley Gilbert’s mother
Diahann Carroll as Dominique Deveraux on the show Dynasty
An Alvin Ailey Dancer

*Diahann Carroll had her own television sitcom, Julia, where she played a single parent and a nurse.  Many believed she was a  white woman with brown make-up on because she was thought to be too beautiful to really be a black woman.  She was also starred in the show Dynasty.

Catch A Different World on Amazon Prime.  Thank you for reading.  Like, Comment, Share, and Subscribe.

All images of Diahann Carroll found on Pinterest, Diahann-Carroll.com, IMDB

Images of A Different World found on Pinterest and its-a-different-world.com

 

Valentine’s Week Series Day 2: What Boyfriend? Part II

Everything was going well, until that day at the playground where a good thing was bound to end.

Meeting Natrell at the Christmas Dance was indeed, a gift for me.  I had hit the jackpot!  It was now the Spring Semester and we were back at school.  Natrell and I communicated through notes and during games of Tag at recess.  He was a 4th grader, so our recess time was not spent completely together, but we had time to stare, giggle, and send messages through our friends to each other.  Never any real conversations, but he and all of the 3rd and 4th graders knew he was my boyfriend.  This little 3rd grader was “dating” the cutest boy in the 4th grade.

At this particular school, we had Before School Activities and After School Activities that students could sign up for.  This was to ease the stress of parents that were unable to pick their child up at 3:30 after school and/or couldn’t drop their child right off before school started at 8:30, due to work schedules.  They were fun activities to sign up for like Dance, Gymnastics, Chess Club, Board Games, Knitting, Art, Book Club, etc.  It was at one of these after school activities where all my plans would come to an end, for I forgot my mother was a teacher at my school.

One day after school, my afternoon activity class went outside to the playground.  Although it was a beautiful brisk spring day, I was a little sad.  Many of the 4th grade girls were attempting to take my boyfriend from me.  LaTasha, my best friend and messenger was gone, and my other friends were inside with their afternoon activity classes or home.  I was outside watching the many girls send their messengers to Natrell and his friends.  Of course he enjoyed the attention, but I was growing a bit nervous about it all.  I noticed the Student Teacher from my class was out side too, so I ran over to talk to her.

She was Miss Jones.  She was going to college to become a teacher.  She noticed that I seemed really sad and asked me what was wrong.  I explained to her that all the 4th grade girls were trying to take my boyfriend from me.  She tried to assure me that everything would be okay and that I had nothing to worry about.  After hugging and thanking her, I ran off to play and noticed my mommy walking onto the playground.  She had a long black trench coat on, but I was too young to notice the obvious omen that was steadily approaching me.  Here we go:

Me: Hey mommy!

Mommy:  Hey sweetie, how was your day?

Me: It was good.  I got a 100 on my Spelling Test!

Mommy:  Good baby! Are you ready to go? Go get your jacket.

As I was about to go and get my jacket, I see Miss Jones walking over.  Again, I didn’t foresee my immediate doom.

Miss Jones:  Hi Mrs. Young, how are you?  Did Katherine tell you about her boyfriend problem?

Transformation Activated…

Mommy: I’m doing fine…her what problems?

Eyes enlarging…Transformation 33%

Miss Jones:  Her boyfriend problems.  She said that she was sad because the girls were trying to take her boyfriend from her.

Turning to look at me…Transformation 65% *eyes blazing and shoulders rearing back*

Mrs. Young:  What boyfriend?  You gotta boyfriend? *stares at me with a crazed look as Miss Jones quickly walks away from a potential crime scene*

Transformation…72%

Me: *Staring at the dry ground, knowing soon I could possibly melt into a puddle of chocolate under Medusa’s, I mean mommy’s gaze.*

Mrs. Young: I’m going to ask you one more time. You have a boyfriend?

Transformation…77% *black trench turning into wings; teeth sharpening*

Me: Yes ma’am.

Mrs. Young: Where is he? *looking around hungrily while licking her lips at the kids playing on the playground*

Me: Over there. *I point to where he is.*

Mrs. Young: Ahhh, naw.  I’m bout ta nip this in the bud right now. Go get him.  I need to talk to him. *The gnashing of teeth can now be heard.*

Transformation into unknown Bird Box creature…COMPLETE…

*The creature, now pacing and eagerly awaiting its prey*

Me: *Walking over to Natrell, knowing that the Doom was here. *  Natrell, my mommy wants to talk to you.

Natrell: Why?

Me:  I don’t know.  She said she wants to meet you.

We walk in silence.  I don’t look at him, he doesn’t look at me.  We reach it.  *The sounds of weeping and gnashing of teeth can be heard to know that hell had indeed come to earth.*

Mrs. Young: Hello…are you Natrell?

Natrell: *Nodding* Yes ma’am.

*Was that a growl?*

Mrs. Young:  *Pointing at me with long yellow claws* You see this little girl right here?  She can’t have no boyfriend.  She’s not allowed to have a boyfriend, so today is the last day of this.

With the same effort that Jane Goodall used when trying to understand the communication and ways of Chimpanzees in the wilds of Africa, I attempted to decipher the screaming and clawing of the raving winged chimpanzee that my mother had transformed into. I was soon able to make out human words through the monkey chatter of her telling Natrell that we are too young to be trying to date.  Of her asking where were we going to go anyway, since we were dating and how were we getting there.  Then finalizing that this would be the end to our relationship.  We could be friends, but nothing more.

I could hear the 4th grade girls eaves dropping and laughing and plotting behind me.  They had always been plotting to put an end to our playground union.  How dare Miss Jones expose me and my relationship problems to my mom?  I came to her in confidence, how could she…*interrupted*

Mrs. Young: Little girl, are you listening?  Do you understand what I am saying?

Me: *Nodding* Yes Ma’am

Mrs. Young: Do you understand me young man?

Transformation Deactivated…78% Complete

Natrell: Yes ma’am. *Turns and runs away without a second look at us.*

Mrs. Young: Young lady…now you know you are not allowed to have a boyfriend.  Do you understand me?  You know God is always going to tell me when you’re doing something you shouldn’t.

Me: *Looking down at the dry dusty ground.* Yes ma’am.

Transformation Deactivated…Complete

Mommy:  Alright. Now go get your jacket so we can go.

That was the last day that Natrell ever looked at me or spoke to me.  He eventually moved soon after that, so my humiliation didn’t last long.  Looking back, my mother really was calm with Natrell and even with me.  It wasn’t his fault and I was just a little kid right? It’s all funny now looking back, how one question could change what was meant to be.

Thank you for reading PART II of What Boyfriend.  If you haven’t, please read What Boyfriend? Part I

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Valentine’s Week Series Day 2

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Valentine’s Week Series Day 1: What Boyfriend? Part I

At a young age my mother told me I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend, but I had my own plans around this and of course I was smarter than her right?

Ever since I could remember, I have always been attracted to men.   I remember the many crushes I had as a child.  They were usually on someone older than me, a teen or adult, and thankfully paying this little girl no mind.  I can even remember my mother telling me, in the 1st grade, about how I would be allowed to have a boyfriend when I turned 16 because that’s when she was allowed to start dating.  I remember counting on my little fingers the number of years I had left to wait; just 10 long years.

In the second grade, I heard my mother talking on the phone to one of her friends about young people/kids dating and not even being able to spell boyfriend.  I then spelled the word in my head and said , to myself, “I can spell it.”  Of course I wasn’t stupid enough to tell her this. I had plans of actually living long enough to have a boyfriend one day.

The next year, 3rd grade, I lived my usual life at school of noticing the cute boys and hating math.  I wasn’t what one would call “fast”, I just thought boys were cute and I noticed them.  I had no plans to do anything more than write notes and play together at recess.  In my class there was a cute redhead named Todd.  He was a very nice boy and my friend.  He was a cutey and I approved of him being my boyfriend because my mom was okay with our friendship.  I was very confident at this age, so I made the usual note of “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No”, and had my friend pass it to him during recess.  He returned the note with Yes being circled and instantly he became my boyfriend.  It was probably a relationship lasting only 2 days, but during that time we did go to the Christmas Dance “together” meaning we walked into the gym at the same time.  We slow danced together, so we were Official okayyyy.

This was the beginning to the end of us.

While at this dance, I was at the concession stand to buy a pickle or popcorn, but I noticed a tall nice piece of dark chocolate walk past me.  He had what I know now as red undertones, that made his dark skin even more beautiful.  He had dark black curly hair with the staple 1991 two side parts in his box haircut or was it a Gumby?  Oh yeah, he had a small tail too, with an earring.  My GOD!  I was in love.  He had to be mine!  He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen!  But Todd was my boyfriend.  Oh what to do?

I had to tell my friend LaTasha to tell Todd that I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend.  See my plan was that if I broke up with Todd, then maybe I could get with this young chocolate zaddy.  Ginger’s are nice, but chocolate…EVERYBODY loves Chocolate.  The healthiest chocolate is the darkest, right?  This was the End to me and Todd.  Since I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend anyway I was doing the right thing.

This twist on the truth did hurt Todd, but I had to get my young 3rd grade pimpin game on.  Todd would be alright.  With my guiding hand of important questioning my messenger LaTasha was able to tell me that this Chocolate’s name was Natrell.  He was new to the school, and a 4th grader.  I told ya’ll I liked them older.  Anyway I left that school dance with a new boyfriend.  He didn’t need to know that I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend…he just needed to know that I, little Miss Young, was his new girlfriend.

I had a 4th grade boyfriend that I quickly pushed away from me as we left out the school together.  Hey, my momma was coming.  I couldn’t let her see us together.  Too many questions to answer.  Gotta be smart about all this…

Thank you for reading Part I of What Boyfriend? Tune in later this week to read  What Boyfriend? Part II and find out what brought about the inevitable demise of this hot new relationship.

Valentine’s Week Series Day 1

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