Category: Kat’s Eye View

Love is You!

Love is You! It’s Our Anniversary
We didn’t date in college. An innocent friendship and appreciation for each other blossomed during that time. God allowed a time of chaos to bring about his plan for us to eventually date and marry.

A New Year has come!  What are you thankful for?  I am thankful for family, framily (close friends that feel like family), and the many blessings that have happened in this year and in my life.

Above all, I am grateful for the man that I refer to as the Huz-Band.  December 29, made our marriage together to be 11 years.  We’ve been together for so much longer….  He has seen me in my most naive stage of life, which was in college.  I was such a spoiled, no not spoiled, I was a youth with high expectations (its all about word choice), and he still accepted me and became a friend.

We didn’t date in college, but we met in college.  Such an innocent friendship and appreciation for each other blossomed during that time.   God allowed a time of chaos to bring about his plan for us to eventually date and marry.

Fast forward, Thursday on my facebook post to announce our anniversary, I stated that he loves me flaws and all.  No like seriously.  He loves me when I am feeling my lowest.  He loves me and finds me beautiful despite my negative opinion of myself at the time.  He even helped me to improve some of those flaws that didn’t matter to him, but he knew it was important to me.  He just wants me to be happy.  I consider myself to be a very honest person, so when I look in the mirror and see calamity, for some reason he doesn’t.  I don’t understand it, and I do try to believe him.  Maybe it’s the love goggles he wears….  I am much bigger than I was when we met, but he still sees me as beautiful despite the weight gain.  I remember being told to watch my weight because my husband may not find me attractive since I don’t look the way I did when we married.  In the words of Maury Povich, “…and that was a lie”.  He still loves me, even more and never less.

Maury Povich

This man is everything I needed and all that I didn’t know I needed.  I thank God daily for him because it takes a specially anointed man, to deal with me.  I know I can be a challenge, but in spite of that he still uses his God given patience to be able to handle me with love and care.  No matter how much hormones may or may not be at play.  A few years ago, God allowed me to see where my life could have been if things hadn’t taken the turn they took in college.  I wouldn’t have discovered the interests that I have now, but I would have many beautiful children whether we were ready for them or not.  I would also be living my life for the dreams and goals of the guy I thought I wanted to marry.  God knew what he was doing when he ended that entire fiasco, and as the great Andrae Crouch wrote, “Oh, and I’m glad, I’m glad he did”.

There were many women that were interested in him, but he chose me.  It wasn’t because he was taking advantage of these women.  There’s just something about him that draws people and makes them feel comfortable with him, men and women too.  Men admire him and at the college we attended many female students saw these characteristics and were attracted to it.  I was one of the girls laughing at the “fe-males” (pronounced like tamales) that were steadily in his face because they wanted more than friendship.  Many women can think a guy being nice means they are interested in a romantic relationship.  Never would I have thought we would be together as anything more than just friends, but I have no regrets.

Many times I have felt like I was undeserving of him.  I felt like I was unworthy of being given this Wonderful Human Being as my Partner for Life, but I strive to treat this Angel on Earth as the Heavenly Creature that he is.  Thank you God, for allowing me the privilege to have this Gift.  I was chosen….  He’s a blessing to all that know him and come across his path.  He is the Best Man, Best Husband, Best Friend, and the Best Future Father for me and our household.  I love you Lloyd!  Love is You!

 

12.29.07–Forever

Anniversary 2018

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Is it Bronchitis or Heartburn?

However, I knew that it was time for me to be the supportive and understanding wife. Not the wife that is looking at the time. I needed to ignore the fact that it was after my bedtime, although I was beginning to feel the heaviness of good sleep weighing down upon my eyelids.

A few weeks ago, the love of my life was dealing with what would be diagnosed as Acute Bronchitis.  He had been dealing with the symptoms of coughing and a slight difficulty in breathing for a while.  He was managing it with his inhalers, assuming it was asthma due to the change of weather.  After going to the doctor he was diagnosed and given prescriptions. That night, he had to pick up a prescription that had mistakenly not been given to him earlier during his trip to the pharmacy.

On this same night for dinner, we had smoked chicken, sausage, potatoes, and steamed vegetables.  Alas, it twas not I that cooked this delicious meal.

Skipping ahead, the huz-band left around 8:30 that evening to pick up the missing medicine. On his return, he comes in the house with what sounds like a forced calmness in his voice.  He says, “My lungs feel like they are burning and I can’t breathe.  I need to go to the hospital!”  I thought to myself, “If you can’t breathe, how are you able to talk?” Now I can’t lie.  My first thought wasn’t “Oh my goodness!  What’s wrong with my baby?”  It was, “Are you kidding me?  I just powdered down and put my pajamas on.”  I literally had one leg in the bed while my second leg was in mid swing.

However, I knew that it was time for me to be the supportive and understanding wife. Not the wife that is looking at the time. I needed to ignore the fact that it was after my bedtime, although I was beginning to feel the heaviness of good sleep weighing down upon my eyelids. Because unlike him I still had to go to work in the morning.  But I became a big girl and after my miniature mental tantrum I redressed and drove the huz-band to the hospital.

While in the waiting room, he kept telling me to not panic and that he was okay.  Even though I wasn’t panicking. He had just went to the doctor that morning and I knew these doctors weren’t going to give him any new information or a new diagnosis.  I felt as if he hadn’t given the medicine time to work.  I told him all of this before we left the house, but according to him “his lungs were on fire.”

Back in the waiting room, I asked him, “Are you sure it’s not heartburn causing you to feel like your lungs are burning or the side effect from the pills you’ve taken and then a panic attack which caused you to feel like you couldn’t breathe”?  He had told me earlier that he had an antibiotic that would give him heartburn. He has also dealt with panic attacks when he was younger. “No, it’s not that.  I am really struggling breathing right now.  I felt this way last night.”  Again, I notice that he’s saying this, and NOT having problems breathing while saying it.  If he was struggling with his breathing, he would be struggling with speaking.  I had asthma as a child, so I know what it is to struggle with breathing.

At the hospital, he’s given a breathing treatment and he tells the doctors why we’re here. He answers the doctors’ questions about what he has taken, medically, and also what he’s eaten that night.  Their conclusion, “He does have acute bronchitis but his lungs are clear.” Thank God!  They also add, “It seems like you probably just have heartburn from the food you ate and the antibiotic. Your anxiety caused you to feel as if you couldn’t breathe.”

We look at each other and I give him my Grinch smile. When the doctor leaves, I kindly and with all the love I can give my wondrous huz-band, I respond with, “Told ya!  But I’m glad we know for sure and that it isn’t anything worse…I love ya now let’s go home because I’m is sleepy!”

Merry Christmas

Everyone!

 

 

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*In Case you received the unfinished post earlier via email, please read this explanation.*     https://katseyeview.org/2018/12/25/error-exterminate

 

 

Time to be Selfish

Not wanting to make others uncomfortable is why I have kept my mouth closed.  I hate it, but I continue to put other people’s feelings before mine.  I continue to think of their comfort, so I always swallow what I want to say.  Always waiting for the right time. There’s never going to be a right time.

Christmas is around the corner 🎄✝️🎄✝️! This is the time of year, when people are supposed to look forward to spending time with loved ones right?  Doing all you can to add more memories to your mental scrapbook.  I’m doing my best to add memories, but I also plan on being a little selfish by expressing my truth.

It’s time to be truthful about how some family have treated me and made me feel.  How their actions have left me feeling insignificant, unimportant, less than.  This behavior hasn’t just been aimed at me, but also towards other family members and some friends.  I will, however, be speaking for myself.

It is past the time of getting this off my chest.  To finally have this burden, this weight from the brightest elephant in the room, removed. The discomfort of obvious tension is not something I am looking forward to continuing, especially since we are family.  If there are any misunderstandings, then let’s talk about them.  Let’s come to an understanding.  We can even agree to disagree; but I refuse to go into the new year with this unspoken frustration still floating in my mind.

Not wanting to make others uncomfortable is why I have kept my mouth closed.  I hate it, but I continue to put other people’s feelings before mine.  I continue to think of their comfort, so I always swallow what I want to say.  Always waiting for the right time and not wanting to discuss this very necessary conversation over the phone or on holidays….  It’s never the right time.

The vibe in the room will never fit; but I continue to give chance after chance. Always thinking, it’s not them it’s me.  Maybe I’m the problem and just need to get over it.  Maybe the issue is me.  Maybe they continue to offend because they truly don’t know.

No!!!!

That’s the fear of confrontation talking. That’s the fear of uncomfortable discussion.  The fear of that awkward silence and uncertainty of what happens next.  When finally the confrontation is over and the dammed up streams of emotions are free to be released.

Regardless of the discomfort, this needs to happen.  I’m not the problem!

I. am. not. the. problem!

It is not me!  Other people have seen and understand my frustration. The timing will never be right, but this conversation has to happen.  It’s time to be selfish.

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Finding Beauty PART 1: Lesson from a Cut

Finding Beauty PART 1: Lesson from a Cut
The first week I had my new cut (Teeny Tiny Weeny Afro), was the Thursday before Thanksgiving.  It was cut a little lower than I had preferred and I felt my confidence reach a new low. I thought I resembled a rapper from the 99 and 2000.

I cut my hair again.  This will be the 3rdtime I have “big chopped” my hair and the 2ndtime it was “big chopped” into a TTWA (Teeny Tiny Weeny Afro).  I have allowed my hair to grow in its natural state for the past 4 years.  A hair choice that I made without caring what others thought, until now.

The first week I had my new cut (Teeny Tiny Weeny Afro), was the Thursday before this Thanksgiving.  It was cut a little lower than I had preferred and I felt my confidence reach a new low.  In the last 12 years, I have gained a lot of weight. So much so that I believe I am unrecognizable to those that knew me in high school and college, and when I focus on this physical change I get down on myself. But that’s another blog for another time. Anyway because of the weight gain and the lower than expected cut, I felt like I looked like a man.  More specifically, I thought I resembled the rapper Mannie Fresh.  For those that don’t know who he is, Mannie Fresh was a rapper and DJ brought to prominence by Cash Money Records, back in the 99 and 2000. He used to rap and produce music with Lil’ Wayne when he first came out. My husband laughed with me as I joked to hide my disappointment, but was quick to remind me that he still saw me as the beautiful woman he married. I love how he loves me Flaws and All.

bmi.com
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwi35MGO3ZbfAhUBPa0KHeFSC3wQjB16BAgBEAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmusicrising.tulane.edu%2Fdiscover%2Fpeople%2F118%2FMannie-&psig=AOvVaw0532sGSCR_-teaKQlve5f7&ust=1544581590407512

I tried to believe him beyond what I saw reflecting back at me, but when I was at a store, I was almost called Sir!  Yep!  I was confused with being a male.  This happened before when I was a child, but that too is another story.

—-Here’s how it happened this time—-

At the grocery store, a man was coming down the aisle I was on.  He was very focused on finding chips.  He had a flock of little boys along with him, that were getting snacks for a birthday sleepover.  He was walking towards me while continuing to look at the chip section, when he realized that he was about to be in my way.  In a very polite voice he said,” Excuse me sss-ma’am”.  During his back peddling of replacing “sss” with “ma’am”, the damage had already been done.  He had spoken the truth and I heard him.  I looked like a chunky young man.  I don’t desire to look like a man, so this just added more fuel to the burning embers in my hearth of self pity.  Every time I looked in a mirror, I was full of regret and disappointment.  My confidence was no where to be found.  I even tried not to make eye contact with others because of my embarrassment in how I looked.

The next day at a different store in Alabama (we were traveling for Thanksgiving) an older lady asked for my opinion about a hat she was trying on.  I told her what I thought and she agreed.  She mentioned that she actually wanted something more snug.  She then took the hat off and I saw that she was practically bald with some patches of gray hair sticking out wildly.  She explained to me that she had survived cancer twice, and her hair was always being shaved off.  She added that she wanted a hat with a tighter fit, that could protect her head from the cold, and was also stylish.

In that 5 minutes I was quickly brought back to reality.  How dare I continue to base my beauty off of the length of my hair from a choice I made, from a cut I wanted.  I also allowed the thoughts of others become too great in my mind that I felt worthless.  This lady had no choice in the length of her cut because it all had to be removed for reasons out of her hand.  She didn’t care what others thought because she knew there was more to LIFE than hair.

I realized that I needed to shut up and stop complaining about my cut gone wrong and I learned a lesson about beauty and thankfulness.  I can not base my beauty on what the eyes can see.  Yes, I have changed a lot physically since high school and college, but if I was beautiful then I’m still beautiful now.  No matter how much has been added to my weight and no matter the length of my hair.  I am thankful that I am not fighting a battle that could cost me more than some hair.  It’s just hair…mine can grow back.

I am also thankful that I have a husband, that sees me as beautiful even when I don’t.  He sees me the way I need to see myself, Beautiful and Secure in myself no matter what.

“I AM NOT MY HAIR”-India.Arie

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INTRODUCING…

Cha, Cha, Changes! This Blog, will no longer be called Dear Diary. It will now be called…Kat’s Eye View!

…KAT’S EYE VIEW

In September, I announced that I would be changing my blog’s name.  Well 2 months later, it has now happened.  My blog will no longer be called Dear Diary… (www.deardiary.biz), but will be called Kat’s Eye View (www.katseyeview.org).  

I plan to do more story telling, vignettes, and give more  of my opinions on things I notice in this wonderfully chaotic, beautifully terrible, disappointingly mesmerizing world we live in.  

I plan to post once a week on Tuesdays, so be on the lookout for new articles beginning next Tuesday.

Please know that I am very grateful to you, for taking the time to read my writings and/or for subscribing to my blog. I will leave some of my posts from Dear Diary…, so please feel free to read them and any of my future post brought to you from Kat’s Eye View.

Thank you,

Kat

 

 

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