Life After Death

Memories

I continue to write your birthday on my calendars, but the memory of your departure is also etched in my brain.   As either day approaches, “it” gets a little tough.  The memories of our time together come in harder.  The hate for you leaving is stronger. The acceptance of you being gone is weaker.

The Hurt

It hurts.   It hurts like Hell. This pain is unforgiving because my loved one caused it.  I miss them and I can’t stand them for what they did to me.  It can often feel unbearable. A suffocating helplessness. The feeling of hopelessness, of confusion, of uncertainty. Each day with them gone, I feel weaker…How could they just leave? Why was it allowed to happen?

Celebrate what?

Life is bittersweet.  Everyday someone dies and someone is born.  These are moments of pain and moments of jubilee.  Some cultures see death as a celebration. A completion of their time here on earth to begin their next phase into the afterlife.  

I don’t celebrate this.  Maybe I’m selfish… but I don’t want them to go.  I’ve been told countless times to be strong for myself or for another person when a loved one has died.  Am I not allowed to grieve?  I’ve been told to not cry or not to be so hurt because one day I would see them again.  That’s fine, but I want to see them as they were! I don’t want my last thought of them lying in a casket.  I want to be with them now.  I want to speak with them now…not speaking words into the air, wondering if my beloved hears me. I want to know that they’re receiving the text I still send to their phone and not wonder if a stranger is reading it.

YOU

I miss you and there is nothing anyone or anything can say or do to quench the desire I have for you.  How do I continue to live without you?  There’s a huge part of me that’s missing.  Nothing can fill it, except you…but you’re gone.  No matter how much I scream for you or cry out to you, you’re not coming back. To see you, smell you, and touch you again. 

One Day

They say the days will get better. That one day I’ll be able to think of you or discuss you without crying, without this anger you caused.  Maybe one day it won’t be so bad.  The grief will get better, it will become easier,…it will feel lighter, but I’m not there yet.

*To the reader,

The way this was written feels all over the place. This was how I was feeling at the time of writing. I hope it shows the frustration of emotion from the grief of losing a loved one.*