A Type of Different: Pt.2 “black bitch”

Seventh Grade.  I was very insecure and surrounded by newness everywhere I looked. That summer, my family moved to Texas. I was coming to a new state which meant I would be new at school.  I would again learn that just being me, was still sometimes unacceptable.

The bell rang to announce the end of the school day.  I don’t know why, but I would always end up being one of the last people to get on the bus. Catching the bus to and from school, was still new to me.  I can’t remember if the movie Forrest Gump had come out yet, but walking on the bus, I would always have the “You can’t sit here…this seat is taken” experience.  Where no one wants to make eye contact for fear you would try to sit next to them.  Everyone wanted a window seat, and I preferred to not have to sit on the back of the bus.  The “bad kids” sat there.  I wanted as little attention as I could possibly have.

This was in the mid-nineties, so this was when a lot of kids were “goth/emo/grunge”.  You know, the skateboarders that wore all black everything, listening to Green Day and Red Hot Chili Peppers, while trying to prove that they “didn’t care” that no one understood why they wore black eyeliner.  I lived in a Dallas suburb, so  these kids were on the bus too.  They sat in the back with the “bad kids”.  They were unfamiliar to me, so I was uneasy about them.  These were the bullies I saw on Nickelodeon and on Saturday Morning shows.  They too were a type of different!

Anyway, this one particular day, I was stepping on to the bus, late, and no one was eager for me to sit next to them.  There was no eye-contact, just Forrest Gump bus seat disappointment.  I was now in the back and had to do the turn around to see if I missed a seat check.  By now the bus driver was yelling for me to find a seat so we could leave.  This meant frustrated student eyes glaring at me. Noticing all of my visible flaws.  I wasn’t going to go back up to the front, so I had to sit next to one of the skateboarder kids in the back.  He seemed safe enough.  I saw him every day on the bus and we had 7^thgrade math together too.  I didn’t know his name, but I was familiar with him.  So I asked him if I could sit next to him.  He rolled his eyes, but as he was scooting over he mumbled to himself.  Now, I don’t know if he wanted me to hear what he said or if he was even aware that he didn’t mumble in a low enough voice, but ya girl heard him loud and clear.

Here’s what happened.  (Actions are included for better understanding)

Me: Can I sit here? (very nervous and embarrassed)

him: (looks toward the front to see if there is somewhere else I can go)

Me: There’s nowhere else for me to sit.

him: (rolls eyes and scoots over and mumbles) Black Bitch.

Me: (sitting down, looking over to him) What did you call me? Boy, don’t you ever call me that again!——–At this point, the little insecure Katherine was gone, and the “I ain’t playin wit’chu” Kat was here. Nahla had appeared.  While I was telling him not to ever call me that again, my right hand had raised up and slammed his face against the window and held it with assurance, force, and ferocity and held it there.

Katherine was no longer desiring invisibility, she would be heard by any means necessary!  When I gave my hand permission to release his face, he was a changed boy…physically and psychologically.  Physically he was changed because he now had a two-toned color face, white and red…peppermint boy! I believe he was changed psychologically because he never even made eye contact with me for the rest of the ride and did NOTHING to defend himself during or after the incident.  He no longer spoke with his friend that he had been talking to on the opposite side of the bus prior to me having to sit next to him.  Even when he got off at his stop.  I thought he would look my way while walking to his home and give some threat, but he didn’t.   We never had any other type of interaction with each other.  I want to believe that the next time he decided to utter distasteful words, to anyone, he would think twice about it.  We both had experienced a shock and awe moment.

He had truly hurt my feelings.  He didn’t just call me a bitch, but a BLACK bitch.  It was meant to be lower than a female dog. He was attempting to degrade me to the lowest low, all because I sat by him.  We had never had any interactions before.  This was the first time, we had even spoke to each other. I’m not so sure I would have reacted the same if he had left the Black part out.  That’s what caused me to snap!  In my mind, it was like he had just called me a nigger.  I had never been called such a thing before, at least not to my knowledge. I was a nice person…I wasn’t mean to people.  As I mentioned before, I was the type that tried to be invisible by staying to myself.  At that time, I spoke only when spoken to.  I was new to this school/state and I already didn’t feel like I was good enough.  I didn’t want to cause problems or be a part of any problems.

My reaction to him, was completely unexpected.  Unfortunately, I was one of those kids that allowed others to step on me. I had taken a lot of things from people growing up.  I would eventually get to the point where I would speak up for myself.  This was my first time doing this.  I was the person that was more concerned with not offending others, even if I was being offended….

This was now my second racial issue and again, someone had a problem with me being me.  This time, it was because of the Bronze skin I was in.  I never said anything to him about how he looked in his eyeliner or the fact he lived in an old dirty trailer park. I never laughed at him when he tripped over his extremely wide legged “JNCO” jeans walking on to the bus, or the dirty clothes that he wore to school.  I had plenty of opportunities to bring light to what was unavoidable.

Most times when people see others that are different than them, they judge, generalize, and make ignorant assumptions. He was different than anything I had been exposed to and I chose not to judge him for any of the things I noticed about him.  That just wasn’t enough to protect me.  My race was inferior to his, so my type of different was worse.  It was less than.  It was worth being judged and insulted.  I just needed a place to sit on the bus.

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Featured Image: (Centre of the pack in 2017 – George Meyer, Singita)